JANUARY (Tv I love you)

So. I read Tv's blog and I got inspired to document my jam packed month. I don't have pictures of my own, so....just read.  HOLD UP. Credits first : (For most photos : http://aleagueofmyownn.blogspot.com/ ) Check it out, its gorgeous x.x )

Let's see, the first week of January was alright, I spent New Year's in Singapore! It was so awesome, I got loads of presents, ONE OF THEM WAS A TIGER ONESIE. Anyway, moving on. 

The next two weeks were what I called the "Tiff Weeks." You see, in the course of the past year, I had gotten very, extremely, inseparably, almost sick of each other kind of close with Tiffany Tong. This gorgeous, sexy red head who changed my life and so much about myself for the better. I never met someone so inspiring and so amazing, someone who impacted my life so much, that I could never ever find another like her. Don't get me wrong, I have other amazing best friends too! But lets just say, Tiff was like a sister to me, her mum mine and her home...more mine than hers (lol kiddinggg) her dog too.

ANYWAY, Tiff Weeks were spent....all with Tiff. 

I began college on the .... 6th. It began with orientation. It was ... pretty cool! I was so hesitant at first, I thought I wouldn't make friends and that I'd be alone forever, (ask my friends, they got sick of my whining.) BUT THEN... I was put into the awesomest group ever. 

Embarrasing moment : I spent two weeks in the wrong Chemistry class (PAISEHHHH)

The times I spent in college so far have been pretty cool. I'm still rather fresh to the environment, and getting to know more of my classmates. They're all pretty rad and funky, and its nice to have a change of environment ( I mean the air cond.)

On the 18th, I celebrated an advanced 18th birthday with the glam fam who surprised me x.x Synn Yi told me we were having lunch with her mum, and like I totally wasn't expecting it (Shut up Arriz). I mean, they were all sitting there at Delicious with the TTC gang and Akmal who disappeared after saying hi but hey the thought counts <3 I love my buddies to death, and I swear I would have cried if I hadn't been holding back tears all week.

(I was afraid to make a scene.)

Next day was... Tiff's leaving day. :( I swear I never cried so much. My soulmate left. But I'm glad she did...opportunities to do this are zero to none, and I'm glad she managed to. I'm proud of my diva :3 Hehehehe, go have sex with a million hot guys!!

Another picture because.....

^ Immature. AND If I continue this emotional thing, I might drag on and start whining.

Well, I also started working at this place called Cuffz in Bangsar Village. Its awesome, and I loved it! But too far from home :( I met these amazing colleagues, Christine (Cece) and Bee. I tell you, one's crazy, the other is flipping adorable. I love them both even though I knew them for...four days? 

THEN I quit because mum wanted me near home, so I went to 1 Utama and now I'm working at Miss Selfridge! Today was my first day! :3 I love that we have themed outfit days and such, and its just so fun to dress up!! I was too casual for DRESS AND ACCESSORIES (I wore a skater skirt and tee,....and sneakers -.-" Way to go Nick. ahahahah) 

OH AND I got my L licence..

I should start doing weekly, when I combine it into a month..its crazy and all over the place xD AHAHA Woops. 

WELL, I'll start my outfit diary weekly once I have a new phone *crosses fingers*

HAVE A NICE FEBRUARY!!! 

Me.

Mother, I will never be who you want me to be. I will never be the girl that fits the mould of your description. I shall never follow the predisposed plan, of growing up into a daughter who shares her every emotion with you, who shares a connection with you, and keeps you entertained. I will never be the girl that makes you smile, by my emotional words and condolences, but I will make you smile, by my successes.

I am not an open book.

I am a prison cell. I lock my feelings away in the dark crevices of my mind, my emotions guarded, my expressions limited. I hide my sadness away from you, my happiness too, I am hiding in my shelter, while your explosion of emotions show me at a young age, how important it is to be strong. I am strong, I do not show much emotion. I do not tell you I love you, I show it.

I sacrifice, I remain silent.

I keep to myself. Because a time always comes, every day, every month, every year, when those emotions do overflow. Pouring through the bars of my prison cell, threatening to break that lock and everything that keeps it in. That time, it cracks. I keep to myself. I remain silent through the day and its compensated through my cracking in my room. Yes, I do it. I do it to remain strong, which is something you never learned, and I constantly feel the need to be on guard.

I learnt from you, that if I let people see how I feel, I'll be weak, like you. I don't want to be like you, I want to learn from you. I don't want to be emotionally affected by everything like you do. I'm a stone cold, heartless bitch.


I am. Who I am.

I will never fit your mould. Force me in with those hands of yours and the metal will cut into your skin, hurting you, breaking me. I will never bend and contort to your image of "My daughter". I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm not who you want me to be.

But nothing will change and deter the fact that I love you, and I will show you. Through my success. Through my sacrificing my true dream, for a career which will inevitably please you.

So in a way, I do try to fit in, just not the way you want me to. In the end, you'll see. I hope you will.

Wake Up

Wake up.

Realise that this is it. All those years, come down to now. 
Give up, less important things.

Push forward, push on.

Push yourself.

Wake up, and know that now, no one is beside you.
No one will be there to push you forward but yourself.
Strive, work, suffer, and pull through.

The rainbow is not that far away now.

Quickly

I like when things happen quickly. When you're mad at something, or someone, but that changes in an instant. I like how it happens quickly.
Like when raindrops that fall on a horrible day, clear up and you're left with a beautiful blue sky. I like when it happens that quickly.
I like when falling in love happens quickly, and falling out of it does to. No pain, no long sorrow, no prolonged anguish. I like when letting go happens quickly.

Quickly.
Some things don't happen so quickly. Some things turn dark, and your only hope of seeing light comes slowly. Some things, never go by fast enough. When you're face with torment and torture that mentally incapacitates you and drives you to the ending point, that never happens quickly. Pain lasts, long and slow. But the relief that comes after, comes quickly.

Letting go never happens quickly. 
A month, or two. Even, 6 months changes nothing. And you fall back to where you were 6 months ago, then curse yourself for being able to let go.

Growing, and learning, never happens quickly.
Thats what I thought, at first. At 12 I looked on to Secondary School and bemoaned how long it would be until I graduated. But now I look back, at 11 years as an Assuntarian, and it happened too quickly.
Where have all the times gone? In the blink of an eye? Stealing colour pencils, and walking down the big stairs to the canteen. Where we would laugh away our time, and try to extend our break for as long as we could.
This past year went by too fast. The pain came, the good times came. Thank you for the memories, that all of you brought me.

Yet, I like it that things happen quickly. I like that it was over so quickly, because if it weren't I'd still be stuck in the slow motion of things.

I like that I'm moving quickly. Moving on, moving forward.

Basically, live your moments as they pass.
Don't revel too long in it, until you're ripped away from it and it hurts less.
Don't ignore it, and let it go by.
Moments, happen, seize them.
Life moves by so fast, in a blur it is gone.
And your soul leaves, its smoking ashes behind and that is all that becomes of your memories.

Enjoy your current, forget the past. 
Live in the moment, like its your last. 
Don't hold on to it, because it will never fade, 
Especially if you spread love more than  hate.

Saying Goodbye

Saying goodbye is never easy.
No matter what it is for.
Sometimes, a person comes into your life, and changes it so much. Moulding, and touching your life in every way. This person moves you, and makes you see things differently. And sooner or later, you're looking right through that person's eyes. And all you are, what you like, and what you do, merges with this person's. You become one. As if, thinking and breathing together when in reality its nothing but mirage.

Sometimes, you lose someone and have no chance of getting that person back. Someone you loved so much, whose absence, leaves a gaping hole in your heart. A hole, being torn up into a wider abyss, where you pour your sorrows in. And every bad thing that happens, expands the hole until you've nothing left, but the disintegrated veins of your heart, emptiness.

Sometimes, you say goodbye, to save yourself. To resist the temptation of screwing up your life, for a certain better prospect. Its not easy. Its not easy to do what's good for us, especially against how we feel. Especially if the way we feel about a person, strikes us to our knees. When all that touches your mind, is the way the person felt when you hugged. The way the person's smile would light up your day. The way your heart would somersault in excitement, when you see New Text Message From...
Its not easy.


But we must do it.

If we don't move on, where will we be? Stuck?
Stuck. We will be stuck here, in this moment, forever in sorrow. Forever crying over it. Forever wondering, what you did wrong. I'll tell you what you did wrong, you stayed. You stayed there, in one spot, hugging your knees and complaining to the world, how horrible you feel. How you want nothing more in the world than to see the person, touch the person or even hear from the person. 

You did wrong, to wait around for something that's never going to come back. You might think the person will, like a Frisbee. Thrown and just missing for a while. Well, this Frisbee won't come back. Its in your past.

Move on.

Hard, I know. First thing you'd say, "You don't know how I feel." We all do. Do not for one second think, that this is easy, and that we have never been through it because yes, we all have. Get up, and change the world. Enough with the sob stories, and do things to forget. Do things, change the world, help the poor, be happy about something in your life! 

They would be proud to have met you. For you are strong, and powerful, and nothing will change that. 

Carry On

Because I've realised today, my previous post was filled with sadness. Though, it was truth.

It was true that I had yet to find comfort in the fact that I dislike who I have become. I dislike, the person I am now. I dislike the fact that I do nothing, but sit here and complain and never find the will to grab onto that string that says, Change.

A string that says, Change.
Isn't it really simple? To be able to change all you are, and all you've become, and all you dislike with a simple pull? Because the heart hurts too much, to be pulled in the wrong direction yet again. The head hurts too much, to console the heart and force it to beat on.

There are times when I look around and I realise that there actually are, strings, of change. It takes a special person, a special eye, a wounded soul, a tired mind, a brave person, a sad person, a torn person, a human being.. to see it. And thats when today, I realised something I knew I had to do. Carry on.

Because yesterday when I was upset, it was then. We have to wake up and realise, that what feels like the worst thing now, will in a moment be 'then.' And it would feel no hurt any longer. Because yesterday, was yesterday and the pains we felt before are over. It takes that one look back, when you realise the troubles you faced before, you overcame.

You did it.

And God, in his mighty power has decided, that maybe because you needed this trouble in your life. You needed this suffering, to realise just how much you can take. To realise, how tough you are. For what hurts now, you will learn to never let it hurt again. Perhaps that's the greatest lesson we must take.

The greatest lesson, to Carry On.
Push through, when you feel you won't be able to. The sun will shine as the rain stops, and the rainbow comes after the pain. The good will come, when the bad wilts away and all good things come, when bad goes away. Without pain, and suffering a child would not be born. Without pain, and suffering, leaders who fight for freedom to end war, would not be born. Without pain and suffering now, we would not be able to live life later.

Don't for a second think, that you're alone in this world. That your problems are the worst, because trust me, a kid just died in the time it took you to read this. So, what should you feel now? Worse? Good. It gets worse, before it gets better.

Chin up, Princess. Your tiara is falling. Stay strong, love more, and always, Smile.

Me

This is my first blog post in two years

For many people who don't read blogs any more, its alright.

I want this message, to be seen by anyone, who feels they've had it rough.

Recently, I've been going through a lot, relationship wise, friendship wise, school wise, family wise and all else. I feel like there's no way out. Where I used to be this smiling, bubbly person, (whom I still am) but inside I'm empty and fake. I feel the soft core of hurt, where an opaque shell of joy covers. I know, I'm just like everyone else.

But I'm not. I'm never like this.

To my mum,
I miss talking to you. I miss times when I smiled at home. I know I don't, not any more. I know I don't talk to you, that I leave you and answer you with grunts and simple head shaking. I know I yell, and complain. I know I grumble. I know I make you cry.
I know I make you cry. I know, you wish you had me back, the young me. The one who would always turn to her mother and know, deep in her heart that she is all you wanted to be when you grow up. The one that you could touch, hold and show affection to. Without her scowling, or shrugging. Without her pushing you away. I'm sorry I push you away.

I'm numb.

I go through motions of each day, not thinking about the problems that get flung into my face. I don't think about the consequences, or how to solve it. I don't think about how everything will fall apart if I did not do my part in lifting the big burden I feel is solely placed on me and I have nowhere else to push it to. I feel, like fractured glass. Waiting to crack beneath the heavy weight of knowing that because of you, it will all crash.

I'm tired.
I'm tired of it all. I'm tired of being confused by you, being led to believe that I had felt something real. I'm tired of the fact that I had to go through it all, and be happy, only to be brought down again. I'm not a toy. I'm tired of being used. Used by people who just like my comforting words. People, who feel like I will always be there no matter how I'm treated.

Maybe they're right. Heck, I know they are right. I know, I will never be able to let go, try as I might. Simply because I care. Because I care, too much. I don't want you to lose it, I don't want you to be lost and alone. For when you push everyone away, any of you who do it, I'm still there.

I've been pushed.
Pushed to the edge where I just hold myself, with tears that will not stop its crying. Where the Niagara Falls compete with my salty laments of sorrow. Pushed to the edge, where I've considered sweet release. I want to let go. I want to leave it all.

I'm alone.
I have friends who care, and friends whom I can talk to. But I don't want to. I don't know why, but it won't work. Try as they might, it only serves to remind me of the fact that I'm going through life. When I don't tell, I plaster on a smile, and when I'm with my friends, its sweet release. Its a mirage, and a happy episode where everyone doesn't want to skip. The breather. The dream.

I'm lost.
I've lost all my aims. I've decided to go on a strike against studying. Looking at my books make me sleep. Just the thought of studying, and I get upset. I know why, its because, I'm exhausted. Exhausted by the motions I have to go through in life to constantly attempt to please everyone.

I am the glue. 
I hold it together, for others. I'm strong, for others. I'm always the nice, fun one. The one, whom anyone can talk to and have their day feel better. But who will be strong for me? When will I have someone to turn to, someone who won't depend on me to keep the family happy? It is not a happy family, or home. Its one built on lies and deceit. And every corner I turn, I find nothing, nothing but more lies. More, questionable histories. Who am I? I don't know. What is real?

But there is one thing I do know. I am not alone. Everyone, in their life, experiences this at some point. Either one of the above. How do we get through it? With plastic smiles, and fake laughter. That rings in our ears and we hurt inside, because only we know, how it feels. We get through it. We pull through, our hands reaching out to the ones that help pull us up. Because its a bad idea to continue wallowing in this.

But honestly, I still stride on. With plastic smiles, and wet pillowcases.